Fuck Saturday

The sun rose, shining through the curtains and blinds. Though my eyes weren't open, I could feel the light coming through them. I slowly opened them and rolled over. Almost falling off the couch, I caught myself, waking myself up quickly. I pull my head up and look over at the bed. My girlfriend, or was she my ex-girlfriend now, I'm not sure, the argument was very confusing. But whatever relation she was to me, she lay there, in my bed, but not with her holding her close, as happened every other night. It wasn't always like this of course, we used to be a lot closer. Even yesterday started out great.

I felt a peck on my cheek.
"wake up beautiful."
"Ha ha ha," I thought to myself, pulling myself out of sleep.
"Wake up sleepyhead," she said.
"I'm up,, I'm up already," I told her, lying through my teeth.
She threw the covers off, taking away my final rung on the sleep ladder. I opened my eyes to see her get out of bed, her normal morning attire of boy shorts and some old t-shirt walking towards the bathroom. I got out of bed, put the sheets back on, and yawned again. Another late night, like the kinds I wished for when I was single. I flipped on the TV, the news on as usual, and sat down on the couch. She came out the bathroom and sat down next to me, my arm instinctively moving around her. Her long brown hair laid upon my arm, those deep brown eyes staring forward, but I know they were thinking of me. I leaned over, gave her a kiss on the cheek, and smiled, just as she did.
"God damn," I thought to myself, "Who knew stereotypes could be so nice?"
She got up after a few minutes and walked over towards the kitchen.
"What do you want for breakfast?" she yelled back to me.
"Eggs and toast, dear," I yelled back to her.
After a few more minutes watching the news, which in all honesty I would watch all day if it wasn't for her, I got up and made my own way to the kitchen. I reached to grab the coffee grounds out of the cupboard, but quickly noticing the scent of coffee already in the air, I reach for my mug and poor myself some. She was pretty great for things like this, but it's not like she was some housewife, I did stuff like this for her all the time. She finishes cooking breakfast, and sets it out on the table. We each eat our breakfast, looking across at each other and just laughing like two idiots. If I could say so to the world, I would define this as bliss. But I couldn't. I couldn't say this to the world, because it would be a lie. There is no peck on the cheek on the waking up, just the floor next to me. No arm around her, just a fist through the wall. No special breakfast in the morning, just waking up at 4 in the afternoon with empty pop cans sitting on the computer desk, the only reminder of a long night alone.

The bar oozed with sound. The band on stage pounded the air with their sounds, the haunting organ backing them up. A man sat at the bar, a wrinkled gray suit covering him, alcohol circulating through his system. His eyes were touching the dirty bar, his head so close he could see through the atoms of the old oak. One hand rested on his head, half out of his sadness, half covering his balding head. There was nothing genuinely wrong with this man, he had a wife, kids, a job. But he was missing the most crucial thing to any person, a will to live. He wasn't sure where things went wrong or how he got to where he is, but ignoring all that, he knew that as soon as the cheap beer was gone form his mug, he would cross the street and jump in the river, the night obscuring him from view, the faulty streetlamp covering for him. His took another sip, saw the clean bottom of the glass, and set it down. He left his wallet on the bar, full of money, identification, and mementos. He walked out, no one noticing, or otherwise not caring. He made his way slowly across the street, and reached the center of the road. Continuing on, now seeing the water, he slowed his pace. This was not something to be rushed. The streetlamp, the one variable he thought he had control of, flickered on. He turned his head to look up at it, and while looking away, he was struck by a car. The car sped away, the red tracks left the only trail leading away. The man lay there, cut down at the bottom of the barrel. The streetlight shone on his lifeless corpse, a red river running out of him. He had no last words, his punctured lung couldn't expel words, and his already dead brain had nothing to say. His vocal cords lay there in limbo, between not caring and no being able.

Jesus, Etc.

Jesus, don't cry
You can rely on me honey
You can combine anything you want

I'll be around
You were right about the stars
Each one is a setting sun

Tall buildings shake
Voices escape singing sad sad songs
Tuned to chords strung down your cheeks
Bitter melodies turning your orbit around

Don't cry
You can rely on me honey
You can come by any time you want

I'll be around
You were right about the stars
Each one is a setting sun

Tall buildings shake
Voices escape singing sad sad songs
Tuned to chords strung down your cheeks
Bitter melodies turning your orbit around

Voices whine
Skyscrapers are scraping together
Your voice is smoking
Last cigarettes are all you can get
Turning your orbit around

Our love
Our love
Our love is all we have

Our love
Our love is all of God's money
Everyone is a burning sun

Tall buildings shake
Voices escape singing sad sad songs
Tuned to chords strung down your cheeks
Bitter melodies turning your orbit around

Voices whine
Skyscrapers are scraping together
Your voice is smoking
Last cigarettes are all you can get
Turning your orbit around

Last cigarettes are all you can get
Turning your orbit around
Last cigarettes are all you can get
Turning your orbit around

Heavt Metal Drummer

So, things.

I haven't seen anyone from school really since it got out. Was alone from Sunday until Saturday. Saw Chris for like 2 minutes. Saw Bradley later at the festival. Left the festival because Erikka was there and I'm an emotionally immature faggot. Went over to Bradley's house, hung out with him and Sam and played Mario. Left at like 12:30. Then today I did jack shit. Hooray. Anyway, here's a Wilco song. Emphasis mine.

Oh I sincerely miss those heavy metal bands
I used to go see on the landing in the summer
She fell in love with the drummer
She fell in love with the drummer
She fell in love

Shiny shiny pants and bleached blond hair
A double kick drum by the river in the summer
She fell in love with the drummer
Another then another
She fell in love

I miss the innocence I've known
Playing Kiss covers beautiful and stoned

Unlock my body and move myself to dance
Into warm liquid, flowing blowing glass
Classical music blasting masks the ringing in my ears

Oh I sincerely miss those heavy metal bands
I used to go see on the landing in the summer
She fell in love with the drummer
She fell in love with another
She fell in love

I miss the innocence I've known
Playing Kiss covers beautiful and stoned

I miss the innocence I've known
Playing Kiss covers beautiful and stoned

Playing Kiss covers beautiful and stoned

Honey, This Mirror Isn't Big Enough For The Two Of Us

The amount of pills I'm taking, counteracts the booze I'm drinking
and this vanity I'm breaking, lets me live my life like this
and well I find it hard to stay, with the words you say
Oh baby let me in
Oh baby let me in
Well I'll choose the life I've taken, never mind the friends I'm making
and the beauty that I'm faking lets me live my life like this
And well I find it hard to stay, with the words you say
Oh baby let me in
Oh baby let me in

And you can cry all you want to, I don't care how much
You'll invest yourself in me, we're not working out (we're not working out)
We're not working out (we're not working out)
And you can't touch my brother and you can't keep my friends
and we're not working out, we're not working out
This time I mean it, never mind the times I've seen it

Well I hope I'm not mistaken by the news I heard from waking
and it's hard to say I'm shaken, by the choices that I make
and well I find it hard to stay, with the words you say
Oh baby let me in
Oh baby let me in
Well I'll choose this life I've taken, never mind the friends I'm making
And I get a little shaken, because I live my life like this
And well I find it hard to stay, with the words you say
Oh baby let me in
Oh baby let me in

And you can cry all you want to, I don't care how much
You'll invest yourself in me, we're not working out,
We're not working out
And you can't keep my brother, and you won't fuck my friends
and we're not working out, we're not working out
This time I mean it, never mind the times I've seen it

Never again, never, never again

(and you can cry all you want to, I don't care how much you'll invest yourself in me)
ne.. never... never... never again
(and you can cry all you want to, I don't care how much you'll invest yourself)
ne.. never... never... oh baby let me.. oh baby... oh baby
Oh baby let me in
Oh baby let me in
I'm knocking let me in
Oh baby let me in
Oh baby let me in
I'm knocking let me in
Oh baby let me in
Oh baby let me in

The Greatest Song Ever

Tonight, Tonight is easily the greatest song ever, or at least my favorite song in the world. It sends shivers down my spine from the second it starts, and I know every line to it by heart. I even have the end written on my shoe, I'll bold the part.

Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel

Believe, believe in me, believe
Believe that life can change
That youre not stuck in vain
Were not the same, were different tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight

And you know youre never sure
But youre sure you could be right
If you held yourself up to the light
And the embers never fade in your city by the lake
The place where you were born

Believe, believe in me, believe
Believe in the resolute urgency of now
And if you believe theres not a chance tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight

Well crucify the insincere tonight
Well make things right, well feel it all tonight
Well find a way to offer up the night tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight
The impossible is possible tonight
Believe in me as I believe in you, tonight

It's a God Damn Metaphor

Well, I had something written here, but it was really mean, so I took it down. So, instead of expressing my emotions and dealing with my feelings, here are lyrics.



Fed up with "made you look"
and dirty crooks without a clue
They all wear the same face
And it says, "Hangman, I'm on to you"

Hangman, it's not your fault
commit this to memory
the bright ideas always get lost along the way

Last call for medicine
to count me in and turn me loose
I never meant to hide anything
but I'll never tell the truth

Hangman, it's not your fault
commit this to memory
the bright ideas always get lost along the way

Commit this to memory (commit this to memory)
Commit this to memory (commit this to memory)
Commit this to memory (commit this to memory)
Commit this to memory

I'm just a guy that never tried
I'm just a stupid fuck with brilliant luck
and sometimes a bright idea
So shower me in a chorus of compliments
and verse I don't deserve
I might run but I'll never hide

Hey, that's not right
you can't complain
"everything's gonna be just fine"
said the pen to the dotted line
If memory serves, then mark my words
this game's called "catch me if you can"
and with wine we salute all our bitterness

Fed up with "made you look"
and dirty crooks without a clue
They all wear the same face
and it says, "Hangman I'm on to you"

Story Time

He's a little something I've been working on.

The monitor lit the darkened room, keyboard tapping away as the person behind it laughed.
"Man, that was crazy," Jake typed to his friend.
He clicked another link his friend sent him, and started reading. A train came past his window, drowning out the music pouring from his tinny speakers.
"God damn it! We hear you, we know there's a train, just shut up!" he yelled out his window, slamming it shut in the process.
"Jake, what was that?" his mother called in asking.
"Just shut the window Mom."
"Well, I'm going to the store, you need anything?"
"No Mom, I'm fine."
His mother walked down the hallway and out the door. Jake watched as she pulled away, then ran back over to his computer.
"Okay, she's gone, go ahead and send it."
A naked woman filled his screen, instantly capturing his attention.
"So, pretty hot, huh?" his friend asked.
"Yeah man, total babe."
"Well hey, I got shit to do tomorrow, so I'll talk to you later," his friend sent.
"Okay man, cya later," Jake typed back.
He pushed himself away from the computer desk and stood up. It was getting late, but it didn't matter. Summer was in full swing, and his responsibilities were few to none. He walked out of his room and down the hall to the living room. The blue walls had grown all to familiar to him, being home this much tended to do that. He stepped out onto his porch, the humid summer air meeting his face. The sky was dark, the sun all but hiding itself from view. It felt late, the time change never seemed right. He looked down the street, his house staring back at him, nothing but the colors and yards changed, all the way to end of the block. Someone was having a party down the street, the music and smells moving down to Jake's house. He didn't know whose party it was, but he wouldn't have gone anyway. Everyone his age seemed like a brute, someone who just didn't him.
"Fuck," he thought to himself, "I sound more like a teenager every day."
Jake hated this more than anything. The precarious balance of emotion versus maturity always troubled him. He wanted to show his true colors, but whenever he saw someone else doing this, he brushed it off and degraded them, seeing it as a sign of succumbing to some societal mold. He turned and walked back inside, no use upsetting himself over things he couldn't control. He walked into the kitchen and rooted through the fridge, looking for something to drink. He stopped, and closed the fridge.
"I could get drunk, right now," he said out loud to himself. "There's nothing stopping, no moral obligation, no legal repercussions, nothing. But still I don't do it. Why? Why do I not do these things?"
These small-town moral dilemmas seemed all too common to Jake. He certainly wasn't a philosopher, but for someone his age he pondered things much too often.
"You know what, to hell with it, I can drink this, and then maybe I can finally relax a little bit," he said, still talking to himself, whilst reaching for the liquor cabinet. He pulled out a handle of scotch and a tumbler, and set it on the table. He pulled two ice cubes out of the freezer and dropped them in the glass, the clinking louder than he had hoped. Still nervous that someone would come home, he poured the scotch into the glass and quickly put it away. He grabbed his glass and made his way back to his room.
"Well, if I'm gonna do it, better just get it down," he said out loud, moving the glass to his lips. He poured the contents down his throat, nearly spitting it up at the intensity of the alcohol. He swallowed it all down and moved over to his chair. He sat for a few minutes, waiting for the liquor to take effect, but didn't feel too much.
"Maybe this is what it's supposed to be like, numbness and solidarity," he thought to himself. He layed down on his bed and stared at the ceiling, contemplating this decision, and others he had made. He always seemed to come back to pass ideas he had, and pinpointed exactly where they went wrong. He knew he couldn't fix them, but he still tried to learn from them, or that was his excuse for it. Really, he knew he was just remembering his failures, trying not to get too optimistic, always bringing himself down just enough to look out for himself, but not so much to be a downer on everyone else. As he thought, the alcohol made him more and more drowsy, until he slipped into sleep.

Oh Man

If there was ever a night that I was to get completely trashed and fuck something up, it'd be tonight. But I'll get past it, and just listen to songs about people getting drunk and fucking things up.

I broke free on a Saturday morning.
I put the pedal to the floor.
headed north on mills avenue,
and listened to the engine roar.

my broken house behind me and good things ahead,
a girl named cathy wants a little of my time.
six cylinders underneath the hood crashing and kicking,
ahhh listen to the engine whine.

I am going to make it through this year if it kills me.
I am going to make it through this year if it kills me.

I played video games in a drunken haze
I was seventeen years young.
hurt my knuckles punching the machines
the taste of scotch rich on my tongue.

and then cathy showed up and we hung out.
trading swigs from the bottle all bitter and clean
locking eyes, holding hands,
twin high maintenance machines.

I am going to make it through this year if it kills me.
I am going to make it through this year if it kills me.

I drove home in the California dusk.
I could feel the alcohol inside of me.
home.
picture the look on my stepfather's face,
ready for the bad things to come.

I downshifted as I pulled into the driveway.
the motor screaming out stuck in second gear.
the scene ends badly as you might imagine,
in a cavalcade of anger and fear.

there will be feasting and dancing in Jerusalem next year.

I am going to make it through this year if it kills me.
I am going to make it through this year if it kills me.

Also, this isn't what set me off or anything, but this quote from my ex-girlfriend sums things up pretty well.

"Once me and Nick broke up I was completely happy"